Meet Apple's marketing genius: Joe

So this software developer asks me: "and what do you do for a living?" I could tell him that I'm a tattoo artist with a strange affection for HIV infected needles, but that is lying and my mother told me not to do. "Marketing". 'Boom', the word drops between us on the floor and I see myself filled in the other person's mental cabinet, somewhere between "Dogpoo collectors" and "Blind trapeze artists". If you're into marketing you know his answer: "Oh, marketing!" with an emphasis on the "Oh" as in "Oh, you're an Al Queda member. Sorry, but I have to leave now, I got to ... uh ... pick up my old granny, she's a former blind trapeze artist who needs assistance."

What have we done to deserve this? We were once the kings of the world, we drove in Porches with stunning Italian models on our side. OK, it was a Ford and I divorced the wife sitting next to me, but at least we all knew that we were part of the most sexy floor of any company. You could work for an Albanian ball bearings manufacturer, the fact that you worked on marketing made women flock around you, whispering things in your ears of which you didn't even knew that is was physically possible between two adults. Our first loss was the millennium bug. Oh dear, did we scare the hell out of everyone until January 1, 00:00 hour. Not only your computer would go berserk, also the earth was going to stop spinning, catapulting us in an orbit of the planet Barzwurpia 7, know for its hostile environment. In fact, every IT person told me that it wouldn't be so dramatic, but somewhere between IT and marketing the message got lost and suddenly all of us were taking Barzwurpian language courses.

But what about marketing in 2007? Boy, does it go fast outside our office doors. It seems that you have to scan the internet constantly or you miss the latest hype. "Oh, Dan, you shouldn't have sneezed, WEB 2.0 was born during that time." It's a trend to be on top of the latest trend, so we're all clothed by blogs, news feeds, communities and email alerts "Little Benny has finished his toilet visit and he needs paper, NOW! - this message was brought to you live by T-Mobile, your partner in home communication". So marketers have 2 options which I call the Sony way or the Apple way. Take first Sony: one day they decided to make a commercial and all of a sudden we were youtube-wise staring at jumping ping pong balls and we sighted: "I want a new television". So we come home after work, kiss our wife, kids and Brutus the dog (in no particular order) and say: "we need a new Sony Bravia set". Your wife, who is the Alan Greenspan of da house answers: "ours is only 2 years old, why should we have a new one?" And the only reasonable reply you can think of is "...uh... Ping pong balls?" Anyway, great marketing from our Japanese friends but let me reveal you one of the greatest marketing secrets in the history of the world: "how does Apple makes such a success without the use of Web 2.0?" You don't see funny movies of Steve Jobs on youtube, even worse, the last time Steve Jobs was funny is somewhere in 1974 when he told that joke about a nun, a hot dog and a skydiver. In fact it seams that Apple doesn't even like the Web 2.0: remember that neat replica of Apple's Fifth Avenue shop in Second Life? It was not the work of Steve Jobs, Inc but made by apple enthusiastic from a company called AxisVR. Two milliseconds after they released their concept, the SAF (Special Apple Force) bombed their office with two nuclear warheads (the second one was just to be sure). The message was clear: you simple humans don't mess with Apple's marketing.

So how does Apple marketing works in this Web 2.0 world? I know the secret, even more, I know the head of Apple's marketing department personally... - drum roll -... I can reveal that the whole marketing department of Apple IS this one person. Yup, forget all those fancy diagrams on Apple's website: it got only names of dead people on it, I'm telling you: the whole department is one guy and his name is Joe. I've met Joe during a boat trip in South Africa and since I was the only person who laughed with his joke about a nun, a hot dog and a skydiver we became buddies. So he explained me the whole marketing concept of Apple. Joe enters his office at Infinite Loop 1 on Monday morning at 09:00h sharp. At 09:01 he picks up his phone and calls Walter Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal: "Yo, Walter, we got ourselves a shiny new product over here at Apple." Thousands of miles and a couple of timezones further Walter sits straight in his bed and yells: "tell me, oh please tell me what it is!" Joe answers: "It's a phone Walty, you can use it to call someone." At 09:02h Joe hangs up, Walter Mossberg yells through the Wall Street Journal pneumatic tube system "STOP THE PRESS!" while typing a twelve page article praising this new Apple device. At 09:05h Joe starts his lawnmower and keeps himself busy at the Apple premises for the rest of the week.

I do envy Joe. He makes marketing look as something that can be done on a Monday morning between 09:00h and 09:02h. But I'm not Joe, and the fact that you are reading this instead of sitting on a lawnmower in Cupertino tells me that you're not Joe either. So we carry on, we plunge in the whole Web 2.0, subscribe to blogs, enter communities, hook up virtually with men and women, even women with moustaches, but I don't care, because once I will discover that Walter Mossberg is only 3 zillion links away from me and boy, will he be in a surprise when I get my hands on his phone number. And if I call before 09:00h I beat Joe and Apple and ...

BOOM!

This blog was interrupted by an action of the SAF, please come back later or in the meanwhile you can leave your salary at www.apple.com/store